It’s just lately, that everything inside me feels so very broken. We have entered lockdown 3 of the never ending waves of lockdowns. I navigated the first one with ease. The second….was a bit more challenging. But this one? I’ve entered a deep depression which has me worried. I want nothing more than to close my eyes and sleep….all day and night. Food seems like a challenge, to cook, to eat. My Ryan is busy with work, sleeping away the days. I sleep too because it feels safe and comforting somehow to just close my eyes. Shutting off the emotional havoc of my brain for those sweet blessed hours.
My caseworker has been reassigned to the ICU. So there’s someone new to get to know. It’s not a good time for upheaval. She asks me “What can I do to be more supportive of you at this time?” I don’t know. She mentions small goals and doctors and crisis… “If things feel unmanageable”. I tell her the hospital and crisis is not an option. That my psychiatrist can’t fix this. This is just me. So, small goals. I ate dinner….that’s a starting point. Maybe tomorrow I can handle a shower, or a bath. Tread softly, ever so softly, everything is falling.
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